There were two pivotal events in life I suppose that put me on a relatively turbulent boat by default, not by choice - a boat bound to end as a shipwreck to make me realize that I had to very quickly figure out a way to put away childish fairly tales about permanence and safety, fatherlands and enemy states, green forests and icy lands, perfect wives and evil controlling bitches, shitty presidents and heroic plumbers, the monotony and the uncanny sameness of science and religion, goods and evils of the world, fragrant herbs and foul-smelling dead flesh, good and bad dreams - in one word, Dreams.
One event was when I almost drowned in a lake being enticed by the cunning undercurrents that promised an eternal life as a mermen and the other was shortly after that when I found out as an eight year old boy that my closest cousin who was my age, my real buddy, had passed away drowning in another lake.
I don’t remember how those events changed me as a boy but I do remember the many many years after that of living a bogus and fearful life. I mean how many times have we all felt terrible deep inside ourselves and how many times everything that posed as a solution has failed to save us - fathers, mothers, uncles, teachers, kings and queens, missiles and weapons, money and intellect, science and religion? Even if at times we temporarily took breaks from our problems - taking time off to travel, being consoled by family members and friends, seeing therapists and teachers; we quickly fell back into the deep unhappiness and fear that felt so real and potent inside like a permanent hellish prison. How many times have we turned our heads from seeing a dead human being at a funeral only to run back to our perpetual flimsy lives of pleasures denying the fact that death is around the corner?
Death is nearer than our nasal hair. When it comes it will not care whether we are cradled in the arms of our mothers, under our flags, safe behind the borders of our beloved fatherland, or connected to the high tech apparatuses of a hospital bed surrounded with 13 of the best doctors in the world. Death is not a reminder that things end. Death is a reminder that all the things we revere, enjoy, hate, choose, judge, and love are mere trivialities, momentary wisps in the realm of time in this life. Death keeps pressing upon us the reminder that it will defeat us, defeat all that we hold true to our hearts, all that our blind emotional energy finds beautiful, good, evil, the strongest hydrogen bomb or the most powerful tsunami wave, and all the wrongs and all the rights. Death defeats everything. So many times we have failed to see the only real thing, the real tool that might unravel a chain of events that could expose the map of the work we would have to embark on to wake up but we ran back to the comfort of our vacations and adorable puppies and kept burying that which had been pushing from the inside wanting to get out…
...until I suppose one’s system can’t take it anymore as every cell of this extremely conscious organism is bursting out trying to get free of the imprisoning chains of the ignorant mind only to eventually end up realizing that not only the chains were unlocked the whole time the ship was being sunk, but there were no chains at all - only make belief chocolate covered cake decorations. What a realization, a moment of awakening! A burst, a glimpse of sanity, a deeply relaxed state, a light body…ahhhhh…but not for long. If we stay satisfied with just a realization, we will be back into the slimy muck in no time. This time we'll know the muck is inorganic, it's false, but since the belief infested mind had made it seemingly solid it will require some real work to start the inner cleanse. The mushy and feathery bed that once was warm and comfortable is now prickly and uncomfortable and it has a gravitational pull of a billion magnets, yes, and there is a big piece of iron permanently attached to our behinds. Now we know that it’s all a lie, a dream, but we still have to get out of it. Understanding it is the just the beginning. We need a bulldozer, a bulldozer of our attention, sincerity, willingness to lose all that is false to clear all all all until I suppose we are absolutely free from the imprisoning construct of our minds.
This writing is not denying the existence of beauty. Real abiding beauty lies in absolute and unconditional clarity. When we clear our minds the universe will be ours.
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